I've written several entries about how I am happy, and how I feel this is poorly defined. Consider this another attempt in that series. Eventually, I just write around the entire issue and have a definition. Albeit a long-winded one. Not that I'd have it any other way...
Over the past few years (and really, my entire life, but let's confine it to stuff that I remember better) I have had some wonderful experiences. Maybe you don't understand this because you haven't had to go through it, but getting to be yourself is a really empowering experience. It's certainly not trans-centric, and I would go so far as to argue that we all have phases of our lives where we aren't totally ourselves. These are for perfectly valid reasons. After all, the friend I am to my college friends is different than my high school friends is different than the friends I have up here. And those are just casual settings. Add in professional instances, such as work, school, etc, and you are looking at someone who has a lot of different facets. Personally, I think it's the aspects that truly shine through all of those facets that make us who we are, and irrelevant of what traits we ascribe to ourselves, it's the other traits that truly compose who we are. After all, there's quite a difference between how we think of ourselves and how others think of us, and that's only natural. Someone who only sees me at work, for example, might not understand how much music means to me; I am prone to make the same mistake about that same someone. Point being, there are parts of us that shine through all of that, and one of the parts of me that I never can (nor do I really want to) disguise is my natural pessimism.
I could call it a number of things. Another might consider it cynicism. I'm more inclined to believe my cynicism comes from the fact that I don't trust anything. Hell, it took me a long time to trust the image I see in the mirror, so it's no wonder I find it hard to trust other things. Certainly it's useful in a job where I'm looking for fraud. But it's equally counterproductive when I can't trust a co-worker enough to do something properly as I just think they are going to screw it up. For me, it just takes a while to build that trust with someone and shut off that part of me that is always planning for the worst. That part of me still does its job though.
This could be why I go to shows alone. It could be why I spend a lot of time alone. But I don't do everything alone. I've obviously learned how to let people in, and let that guard down. Mostly, I think my pessimism is just me protecting myself. In a professional setting, it means doing my job thoroughly. In a personal setting, it means not getting hurt. And yet, for all that pessimism, it still hurts when a friends says he or she is going to call me at a specific time and doesn't. I do that with people, I'm okay with that with people, that's part of having relationships.
Where I have a tougher time shutting down that pessimism is at work. That's probably well founded. As I'm fond of saying, I'm just a tiny, tiny cog in the giant wheel of capitalism. And they way I have been treated professionally shows it sometimes. Another instance just came up this week, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't see something like this around the corner. Not quite in the way I thought, but it's good that work still finds way to surprise me. After a few days of processing it, I can step back and appreciate the positive qualities of the experience. I realize it's another line on the resume and gives me just a little bit more experience. It would be mistaken to think it makes me more valuable, though. Value has a lot of components to an employer, and your skills aren't the only one.
Now, while I naturally feel pessimistic toward work, it doesn't mean I don't have the good sense to tone down that aspect of myself there. I may run everything that I experience through that filter but that doesn't mean I should let that show to much at work. After all, this is a positive society, where we are told the power of positive thinking, and we talk about our positive experiences and we're told to smile because that's the sign of a positive attitude which must mean we are happy. Pessimism is what I naturally tend towards, and it's how I filter my experiences. That doesn't mean I don't end up having a good experience, or even a positive one. It's not even a matter of expectation management. It's something I need to do because that's how I think about the world.
I'm sure there's some out there that think that this can or should change. I don't know if it can do either. While I'm certain that I could change in that aspect, I don't know if I'd be the same person. That person who's prepared for a number of things at any given moment. That person who maintains a sometimes cool demeanor in circumstances where everything else is falling down around me. That person who can give you directions a number of different ways without a GPS unit. It shapes my personality. It shapes my world view. Certainly transitioning has modified that filter by helping me realize that things I never thought possible are indeed possible, things I never thought could go well can go well, and so it's a more tempered pessimism. And it's a pessimism I can turn off, that I have to turn off every so often. After all, I have to keep believing you are going to call, going to visit, or going to show up when you say you are. That means getting hurt. I get that, but it also means having more meaningful relationships. Before I held that pessimism so tightly that no one could get it. I didn't want you in there, and thinking the worst certainly didn't hurt in helping to justify that behavior. Now I want people closer. But most of the time, things still have to go through that filter of pessimism. I just hope that it's a more balanced and humane filter now.
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