I have spent the past 5 days ruminating through the relative doldrums of the day to day when I haven't been distracted by the awesomeness that has been around it. It's been an odd state, going from having a wonderful time when I'm not at work with friends doing things I haven't done in ages (such as playing Die Siedler) to constantly wondering what the next step is for me professionally. Odd, and I'm about done with it, I feel, but not before I write about my thoughts and feelings on the subject of coming up just short. Because that's what I did at work. I was passed over for a promotion that I would have really liked, and narrowly at that.
Is it better to come up just short or to utterly fail? Which is more instructive? Do either feel better in any way? Needless to say, I'm disappointed that I didn't get a promotion. I know what my boss said to me was designed to assuage me, but it's taken me a couple days to get there. So yeah, it's great that I have someone who's going to continue to help me grow as an employee so that I have a good chance at another position the next time it comes along. At the same time, I still have to go into work and be a good employee, which was hard the past couple days. Maybe it isn't the most beneficial reaction, but I haven't wanted to deal with anything that is not my problem professionally the past few days. Because it's not my problem. Sure there's something to be said for being helpful and going "above and beyond", but I have to wonder if it's of any more use to me. After all, I get paid just the same for being mediocre as I do for being above average, and while it might affect my end of the year raise slightly, does it really affect it that much? I see plenty of people that make me feel like they are doing just enough to get by. Am I not able to do that?
I doubt I could if I wanted to. I don't think it's in my constitution. Yet it's not of any benefit to me to take on extra stress when it's hard to see the tangible benefits. I like what I am doing currently, but I don't see myself doing it forever, though. And I have to be a little selfish in the regard of figuring out what's best for me. I like my overall job. Though rare to actually find, dealing with fraud is actually pretty cool, and that's certainly a direction that I would like to go professionally. I know some of the steps therein. I should get my CFE. And I certainly work for a company that provides plenty of opportunities in the area of mortgage fraud. Failing that, there are plenty of opportunities in that industry as mortgage fraud isn't going away any time soon. Moreover (and don't tell ten year old me), I like it. It's interesting to dig through files and try and find fraudulent paystubs or escrow misrep. At least to me. But I'm not entirely sure how to go much further with that for a couple years as most of the positions simply require more experience, which I can't do anything about until I go through and get it.
So in the meantime, I keep looking for team lead positions. I'm more of a big picture kinda person when it comes to my work habits anyway, so I find this is something I'm well suited for. But in my specific area (Correspondent Ops if you're taking notes at home), those positions don't seem to come up all that often, and when they do, it seems that there's always someone just a little bit ahead of me in the queue. I am beginning to wonder how far afield I will have to go to move up. I don't think I'm being overly ambitious. More to the point, though, I think it's just how my brain works.
I started this job three years ago, and I did not like my first position. There are a number of reasons that it was important to have that job, but none of them had to do with wanting to identify if a flood cert is life of loan or not. 2 years after that, I found myself in a position that I actually enjoy, one where I can turn the analytical part of my brain back on after two years of keeping it in sleep mode professionally. But with more than 3 years of experience now, I guess the shine is off the star. It's easy to be a hotshot when you start, and I was. I may not have liked Mortgage Loan Acquisition, but I was good at it. Of course, there's always someone better than you, younger, faster, better looking, whatever is going to basically be your undoing. It's a tough reality to live with, but it's true. Besides that, though, I set the standard for my work, and if I continue to produce above average results, then above average becomes normal, and that becomes what's expected of me, perversely. Whereas it might be a point of celebration for someone else to get a 4 this year on his or her evaluation, it's going to be a disappointment for me if I don't.
So maybe I'm just not meeting my own standards by not getting a promotion when I think I should. I feel ready, and if what my boss told me is true (and I believe it is), she feels I'm basically ready too. Of course, none of that makes me feel any better as I sit there and look across the floor at the person who got the position and wonder. Not that he doesn't deserve it, or isn't qualified or anything like that. I think he'll be great at it, and I knew there was going to be a lot of great competition for this position. My ego demands that I feel this way, just a little, or else it feels like giving in, or worse yet, it feels like settling. I've spent quite a bit of my life settling, and in the past few years, I've finally gotten away from that. I have no intention of getting back to it. But right now, I have to accept the situation. The fact is I didn't get that position, and I'm just going to have to keep putting in work that I am happy with, which means continuing to go a little above and beyond, even if I wonder why I'm doing it sometimes. Hopefully the next time it's a tough decision, it comes out the way I want it to. Still, this time, it's rejection, and that always hurts a little. What I do with it, well, that's on me. I'll keep you posted, and until then, you can always look for more creative uses of rejection.
0 comments:
Post a Comment